Small Talk Blows

     Native Alaskans probably have no idea how strange their childhood was. Surrounded by enough trucks and guns to make a Texan envious they enjoy endless wilderness uninhibited by power lines and billboards day and night through the summer. If the Northern Lights feel as remarkable as an episode of Wheel of Fortune your birth place is objectively interesting. Unfortunately, most of us come from regular towns in regular counties surrounded by supremely regular and obnoxiously straight border lines. Trying to prod a stranger with the same questions only to get the same answers makes engaging a first date in small talk a painfully banal experience, similar to inputting your email and password twelve times a day or watching baseball on tv.
   
     It is possible to fall for someone without knowing which Springfield they're from, what irrelevant degree they're still paying off or how they spend their binge hours guessing which Game of Thrones cast member will die next. The art of creative conversation is practiced by many but only properly wielded by the few willing to risk skipping formalities in search of character. There are those who will dodge any effort to connect with someone in an attempt at humor. While this may lend itself to a good gab down the bar, it robs both people of the chance to know who they're talking to. Comedy may be the primary attribute people respond to on a first date but it can serve as a mask for true feelings.

     If small talk is like filling in a child's coloring book then discussions about religion and politics is certainly Sistine chapel material. Avoiding the awkward yes and no questioning brought on by a justifiable lack of preparation can lead to topics we're passionate about. While there's nothing wrong with making a lasting connection over a mutual disgust for Donald Trump or bonding together in an effort to share your common faith in an over seas mission, there's typically a time and place for these discussions and a first date might not be the best place for it. Whatever you do to avoid the boilerplate discussion doomed to evade your memory the next day, mean what you say and remember to listen at least half the time.

   
   

Anywhere but Here

     Nashville found us relaxing with Titans and Tennesee locals alike. Fireside we heard stories about standup stints and advice on solid business investments like parking lots and public storage. Her house opened to us after meeting only the night before. Her friends were friendly and her animals abundant, even the chickens were woken to meet me. I'm not sure why anything happens at the time, why good or bad or the curious blend sweep us up with no explanations. Sometimes like this one, I can see purpose without any clues to validate it. Then my eagerness to look back with thankfulness upon a completed picture beats the desire to control an odd swirl of events intent on pushing me from my comfort zone.

     He believed me when I said he had no idea how hard it was. Settling into a cultural swarm like LA as a young married couple is challenging in its own ways, like crossing the Snake River into a new world dependent only on your wagon's worth, minus maybe the threat of consumption. What they did have was each other and the very real benefit of already finding that somewhere else. So when I told him that nothing happens organically in Tinsel Town he took my word for it. After a few days though we had multiple examples, from backyard bonfires to sweet southern invites to the Waffle House following a long work day.

     I wish I could say her hospitality felt natural but it was so foreign to me I couldn't help but wonder why. In the city where kings and queens are chosen overnight and by merits not listed in fables or sung about on Sundays her behavior would be suspect. Like a well structured script we know each other's intentions by the end of the first act and no good deed goes unpunished. I've enjoyed Midwestern honesty and Southern reception, enough to know she had something else. Her Western roots went where they had to when needy competitors lined up for rejection and the other like-minded humanists were anywhere else engaged in real conversations. I look forward to seeing her again, anywhere but here.

Age Gap

    Dan's instagram took heavy fire that night from a barrage of trolls, still caked in soot after crawling out from beneath their bridges aflame. Provoked apparently, by his confident bliss to be engaged untraditionally to an older woman, they sought to inform him of his folly. Their comments did little more to slow his passion than a child's castle wall would to a tidal wave, and really he wondered how many out there forfeit love at the cost of normalcy. Of course with talent behind the camera, Dan's followers soon out-numbered his friends and along with the hoards will come the lonely cur. Bent on ravishing those close targets so riddled a bull no longer returns the satisfying ring it once did, they fail to see their own hope could exist in the same spot they place their rage.

     Of course she was encouraged in her twenties to follow stability and the cool maturity of a life insurance policy holder. His years nearly doubled hers and for each gray hair of his she had an uncrushed dream to follow. Their compatibility seemed to have more to do with a culture dependent on uneducated mothers than it did with the needs of either partner. Though now she dates in a more accepting climate, as a mere ten years his senior they draw judgemental looks when they dine out. Inattentive servers comment on the sweet gesture of a son to join his mother for dinner. His friends can't take him seriously and place his happiness beyond the gauntlet of derisive humor.

     We don't always know our own loves when we see them, if love is blind then first sight is a fantasy. How then can we judge another by the impossible standards we hope no one will hold up for us? The couple finds themselves in a type of human zoo. Encased in glass and concrete their friends, family and even strangers study them. Perhaps they should listen to the drunken scoffs from behind the glass. It's easy to see uniformity as satisfying and the safety of precedent when that uniformity falls for a younger mate. After all a relationship in isolation can't be healthy and support comes from the outside. Yet if your heart belongs to someone on the same side of the glass, does it matter who is visiting and who is on display?

Dude Looks Like A Lady

     Rife with pitfalls despite one's best intentions, the subject of gender identity is becoming increasingly relevant in and out of the public restroom. It's difficult to tell anymore whether we have a legitimate divide on ethics or if we simply thrive on lambasting those with practical concerns that differ from our own. Optimistically I choose to believe most fall somewhere in the middle, regardless if the most vocal of us insist on drawing lines in sand. Those who have any business in the matter seem to share the same desire at the end of the day, privacy.

     Naturally one of the significant goals on the progressive express is removing the traditional binary categorizations we use to define people. In many ways these distinctions have betrayed our privacy all along, allowing others to prejudicially categorize us and facilitating sexism. Although, how else would someone justifiably take action based on romantic feelings if the sexual orientation of their attractor were a mystery to them? Chris is careful who she allows to get close to her, turning down ill-fitting prospects with haste. Unfortunately she judges by the same criteria used to judge her and may unknowingly reject someone with expectations inline with her own.

     Sexual orientation is an intensely private matter regardless how many casual jokes are dependent on assumptions about one's present company. Relationships based on non-sexual connections like common interests and shared perspectives statistically last longer than those motivated by pregnancy or an open space in the trophy case. How then do we reconcile the two, when sexuality is so closely linked to a general affinity for another person? To be blunt we've never taken kindly to the unprovoked, unsolicited, aggressive action of "whipping it out" and award sex offender status for those moronically brazen enough to do so, but to his/her credit we've all made a decision with ample evidence to support it.
   

Feminist Rulebook

     We shared many cryptic conversations over the course of our work together. Was it insulting when I asked her to dinner before she could ask? Had she been waiting for the right time or completely disinterested? I felt I knew where she stood, a confident and accomplished woman who's contempt for men never seemed to eliminate her desire to be with one. Pitiful at recognizing signals, I was drawn by the common grass envy of wanting what I couldn't have only to find my conflicting feelings were reciprocated. She claimed to know me and her unfavorable comparisons to previous relationships highlighted our inability to see eye to eye.

     Seeking the advice of married men is useless. They find themselves miles from the subtleties of dating and how it's changed since their non-HD wedding videos were the most expensive DVD they'd ever purchased. When they come out with practical applications it can be difficult to sort out which are mysoginist attempts at humor and which are the sordid yet effective means to manipulate the societally-inflicted insecurities many women carry. There are however, plenty of well knotted gentlemen with helpful advice, advice related to maintaining a relationship I've struggled to find a beginning to. When it comes to the magic that led to their marriage though, they seem to have a loss for words. 

     A married woman's advice is not much better unfortunately. If anyone could shed light on the new rules you'd expect a working woman with her husband home buried beneath Cheerios and dryer sheets. Likely she saw what she wanted and took it, leaving my efforts up to chance. She spends the opportunity describing how I can be more like her ideal man, even beyond the qualities of her own husband. This would be helpful in cross-reference with millions of American married women. She encourages me to improve my radar but she'll never understand what it takes to distinguish flirting from trying to get a good tip. We'll see a time where our parents encourage us to do as they did and find love online. Unfortunately by then the rules will have changed and the advisers may have no idea what you're talking about.