Your Diet Makes You Undateable

     First came the soft embarassment that goes with handing my very average keys to one of the red vested cash workers outside the only vegan place nearby. I felt like the deck was stacked in my favor finding four stars on Yelp associated with a restaurant that doesn't serve food. Apparently there was something unspeakably wrong with the menu besides sticky laminate, because we were on our way across town to another spot, my wallet five complimentary dollars lighter. She never seemed satisfied with her meal, like the time I could feel a night destroyed by stomach pain only halfway through my blue cheese burger. Hard fought tolerance for lactose doesn't stop me from accomodating a lady who insists artisan pizza will change my life, but gas and valet take their toll.

     It was a good meal and a nice time. My desire for someone who wanted us to enjoy dinner together was short-lived and small picture. Diet makes us hungry dictators bent on satisfying me, to the extent we can't remember you too were there, until hours later. Try as we might to bake kale chips and taste test gluten-free ales, you're not worth it and it's not your fault. Perhaps taste is the most significant factor in choosing your match.

     If you've felt marginalized by the common Chicago vs. New York pie conversation or found your true fear of flying comes in sample-sized Southwest snack packs, then you have a legitimate reason to take eatery selection seriously. Adding gluten to the list has forced Los Angeles to be very creative, searching the ends of the earth for diets and recipes that offer palatable plates for the pickiest people. The love train doesn't always carry what's right for you and they don't stop at Whole Foods, so some measure of sacrifice must go along with the dietary diatribe we love to hot potato back and forth.

Dating Dress Code

     Showing up with an expertly tied double windsor paired with a pocket square doesn't matter, if she thought it was casual. Sure sometimes an ill-fitted suit lacks the style of a J. Crew flannel, but on a date nothing is more important than making your companion comfortable. The grab bag we call So Cal defines casual differently, but blue skies have us repping T-shirts like Uber stickers on a Prius. Too many outings are spoiled by an effort to impress when communication and comfort often leave the desired impact.

     Opening sweaters for Christmas was once a disappointment, but I look back now and take grandma's advice and invest in clothes to bridge that gap between beach bumming and black tie gala. She looked good in her favorite top and black jeans, the one he'd mentioned from her picture in their first chat. A mid 60's "cold snap" justified dragging the navy peacoat out to their local theater's Romeo and Juliet update with doomed plans to shed it upon arrival. On approach she scanned past sweatered and shawled old ladies and what appeared to be a brideless groom in search of her suitor. Then a flash of cuff links waving shocked her to find his face encircled by a three piece suit. His was the only one like it and she knew immediately they weren't on the same page.

     A stigma exists barring men from swapping styles, as they would combustion specifications or NBA trade rumors, despite the fact that neither will improve their ability to attract a mate. On the other hand it would seem that sexiness is contingent on the level of discomfort her footwear affords. Clothing sends an unconscious message about investment and therefore requires consideration regardless of the nature of an outing. In a place so diverse culturally and economically it just makes sense to be clear with one's intentions and make an effort to dress accordingly, after all previewing that suit choice may be the only time she won't judge you for sending a selfie.

Friends Split Checks

   Money speaks to everyone differently. Yammering on like a spoiled child in a toy store, it's incessant to some but others stay so deaf to the sound they miss old friends paying on their behalf. Failing to tip may express dissatisfaction with your delayed refill but it also might say cheap. That coat of arms on the hood of her car screams of class and values and we are all listening whether or not we know. Because in Los Angeles Armani brushes shoulders with Salvation Army (typically at Starbucks), wealth doesn't always divide. We find ourselves fraternizing with people of various means and dating makes no exception.

    Courtship has a history. Like most histories hers is dominated by a masculine agenda and for better or worse finds herself mired in social norms imbalancing the relationship from the beginning. Upon meeting a person who is strange in every sense of the term except by liquor blurred sight, how can one expect to shell out exorbitant bar fees to cover their tab? For this reason many find the simple request to "buy you a drink" pregnant with coital expectation. What then does it mean to make small  monetary sacrifices early in a relationship and how does this reflect a person's own perceived prosperity as well as their concept of gender roles?

   Brought together by Packer football despite local roots, I thought we'd have plenty to talk about.  Blocks away from dinner and still slinging yes and no answers she refused my offer to dodge conversation over a game of darts. Somewhere Aziz watched me struggle understanding she never intended to split the bill in the first place and if I'd recommended sushi maybe I'd have found myself in another vacuous game of twenty questions. The outing cost me more than the price of her gnocchi or a marked up bottle of Trader Joes select. Where there's someone leveraging an indecent proposal there's another looking for a free meal and hopefully there will be some wine left when you find out because pride is a rough swallow.

Tinder: Part 1

   Swiping can no longer be adequately associated with petty theft or the ease of a credit transaction. Tinder has claimed the term as a recreational habit and constant casual opportunity to scorn or delight in the appearance and life summary of a person in 500 words or less. Online dating retained its taboo well after our bank statements had gone green and taxi companies had a reason to invest in a new business model. The flood gates holding us back from finding love online have burst thanks to the socialization of an app designed to take the paperwork and math out of matchmaking. Banks still have significant limitations across borders and Uber continues to battle for a place in major westernized cities but barring national internet regulation and an over-simplistic view of gender identity, individuals can connect with a simple swipe world-wide.

     Sitting in my car 45 minutes from home and unsure of meeting someone for the first time from an app, I received a discouraging message. After a number of genuine, engaging exchanges someone agreed to meet me. The ludicrous burden of playing God to decide the event and location of a first meeting fell to me for archaic reasons and 30 miles later she told me her age had been misrepresented. If a 5 year gap bothers you, try 8 with the promise that she's lied before. I decided to treat the situation as if my little sister needed a date to the prom and found myself in front of her duplex post knock. The fatherly bass tones of a large man struck me through the door as "who could that be?" illustrated my fears in magnificent technicolor.

     Minutes later she filled me in about the mystery knocker as I wandered the dark winding back pathways of a cookie cutter Thousand Oaks compound. I was decidedly uninterested in discussing curfews with her father prior to meeting this my second Tinder date and assured her it was not my knock but I'd be there soon. Deciding one lie breeds another I continued without shame and met her on the porch sans live-in father. The future is now and these are the scenarios we will soon expect as standard. LCDs light the faces of a generation disconnected straight down the bar as I write this. If all that seperates us from meeting someone who can change our Facebook posts from cute cat videos to conceited karat and cut qualifiers is contained in that illuminated square, I say swipe on.
 

Can't Buy Me Love

     Strange unpalatable nuts and nougats will be consumed by way of chocolate Trojan horses in the name of love this weekend. In similar conflict, countless comments will clash across Facebook calling out the corporate holiday and its cold taunts of the romance-less. Those who've got it will flaunt it as they should, oblivious to the trolls eager to ascend their bridges in lonely solidarity. Perhaps this date brings such divergent feelings because we've lost focus for the source of our celebration? Could it be that Valentines day is not for the beloved but in fact for the lover?
 
     A certain pressure builds in the shortest of months on new couples to prove themselves and those established to rekindle waning flames. The weight of a holiday centered on emotion can be daunting for those in or out of love, but this burden flies in the face of the saint's memorial. Charging over priced pasta and 24 karat rose gold says more about Visa's commitment to the relationship than his. In contrast, what do hours of food network streaming, a trip down uncharted Trader Joe's aisle's and a private dinner at home communicate? For the partnerless populous can we survive the hours of Kay commercials long enough to see what selfless actions offer the giver?

     Few feelings compare to finding yourself in the thoughts of a loved one. Don Draper's summer home depends on our addiction to this joy and an ad man's ambition is to maintain our self focus. Ironically something greater happens to the giver in this exchange. The blessing of teaching your niece to throw a ball or sharing a nonsensical conversation with the drive-by veteran under the bridge cannot be given. Love is sold to us with red ribbons and romance but Valentines day is for anyone with time and breath and enough heart to share them.

Netflix and Chill

     For the record I enjoy Netflix and on occasion I can be found chilling as well. However to miss this phrase is bliss defined and a number of subscriptions may fall victim to it's questionable connotation. Popularized by slothful sex seekers on apps like Tinder my first aquaintence with the euphemism came from countless condemning female profiles. Ample octogenarians will never LOL and boomers seldom find themselves "turnt up" but a learning curve applies to the adoption of any slang. Born of a social media culture content to copy paste their way between strange sheets this language affords the opportunity for a compromising tete-a-tete.
   
     His stale job description lended credibility to the position while justifying multiple tropical photo ops but it was the absence of shirtless selfies that really made Steve stand out. Relieved to engage in intelligent conversation with this top marks profile she was eager to draw back the curtain before wandering the yellow bricks too long. His suggestion to spectate a tennis match on the first date may have intrigued her had he not been one of the players, but it was the invitation to after party with Frank Underwood on his Futon that robbed her repose.
 
     Though the activity may be engaged in and sought out by all kinds, execution in the matter begs examination. Apparently the recurrence of "no Netflix and chill" hashtags witnessed in women's self-summaries is suspiciously absent from the men's. Steve's "keep it casual" approach lends a certain context for the dubious proposition and explains why so many easily identify ulterior motives before finding themselves in an uncomfortable situation. Unfortunately for Steve, this doesn't license him to ambiguously allure the gullible to his house of cards.

Dates and Flakes

     A layover affords 72 hours to catch up over pizza, renew the license set to expire on her 27th, launder, fold and pack or simply enjoy consistent wifi at the lonely apartment Southwest pays for her to leave behind all month. Attending one of nearly 700 daily flights out of LAX hardly leaves a moment to maintain friendships much less date. Though hers is an extreme case it's a city of inconsistent attendance and whether you're duping call sheets or tending bar, availability may be more elusive than the unicorn everyone won't shut up about.

     Last minute cancellations run rampant here with blame laid on sudden bookings, surprise 5 am call times or car trouble in a highway dependent city. Waiting alone in the uncomfortably vacant booth my waitress returned to ask again if I'd like to order. Moments later arrived an IPA destined to be shared only with Scott Van Pelt when after forty minutes I decided my first Tinder date resulted in me being stood up. After driving another forty back to the valley from Santa Clarita she attributed the mishap to a scheduling error not mine but I prefer to believe a 50 year old male catfisherman thought it better to remain anonymous.

     Real-time traffic updates, email to calendar syncing and tools for extra-terrestrial communication line our pockets but LA can't keep appointments. Population breeds anonymity and protects it. Within the dense crowd of options many lose sight of the person in front of them just as soon as their arrival and instead continue to focus on that ideal nobody in their mind's eye. Unfortunately this quality will force us to repel people as they become real to us and justify the prevalent flakiness in an already time-strapped town.

Deal or no Deal

     A thought or a word can end the attraction, like the ache of a partially completed root canal will sabotage appetite mid five star filet. A person proud of an agreeable nature and uncanny ability to accept those unlike themselves will find a crossroad if unable to identify their own deal breakers. Modern electronic dating asks their users to store a lexicon of attributes to hold up to a potential companion. Unfortunately these endless lists of traits may be met with disappointment where a short list of negatives would have sufficed.
   
     Blonde and blue with Ken's class and corvette he can press twice her weight while reciting Proust and smoking. She's airbrushed at dawn, tack sharp and accented with glassy curves but works for Trump. Met thrice before ever dating, their qualities stayed in a constant state of absent memory until finally he made his move. Before she could kiss and tell his emphasemic habit he'd already decided her compromising career prohibited a second date.
 
     I've made personal attempts at flaw-blindness only to identify some insignificant blemish strikes my weakened patience. Compromise, the anthem of continued chemistry should be applied to the greatest conflicts. To overlook significant differences cheats both parties and worse demands a change in oneself. While borderline British dental shame might fall to the wayside in light of timely humor, the traits that we choose to accept shape preferences and flexibilities we're comfortable seeing in our significant other. Above all the importance of discovering personal limits and maintaining them can be the difference between finding love or accommodating your future ex.