Small Talk Blows

     Native Alaskans probably have no idea how strange their childhood was. Surrounded by enough trucks and guns to make a Texan envious they enjoy endless wilderness uninhibited by power lines and billboards day and night through the summer. If the Northern Lights feel as remarkable as an episode of Wheel of Fortune your birth place is objectively interesting. Unfortunately, most of us come from regular towns in regular counties surrounded by supremely regular and obnoxiously straight border lines. Trying to prod a stranger with the same questions only to get the same answers makes engaging a first date in small talk a painfully banal experience, similar to inputting your email and password twelve times a day or watching baseball on tv.
   
     It is possible to fall for someone without knowing which Springfield they're from, what irrelevant degree they're still paying off or how they spend their binge hours guessing which Game of Thrones cast member will die next. The art of creative conversation is practiced by many but only properly wielded by the few willing to risk skipping formalities in search of character. There are those who will dodge any effort to connect with someone in an attempt at humor. While this may lend itself to a good gab down the bar, it robs both people of the chance to know who they're talking to. Comedy may be the primary attribute people respond to on a first date but it can serve as a mask for true feelings.

     If small talk is like filling in a child's coloring book then discussions about religion and politics is certainly Sistine chapel material. Avoiding the awkward yes and no questioning brought on by a justifiable lack of preparation can lead to topics we're passionate about. While there's nothing wrong with making a lasting connection over a mutual disgust for Donald Trump or bonding together in an effort to share your common faith in an over seas mission, there's typically a time and place for these discussions and a first date might not be the best place for it. Whatever you do to avoid the boilerplate discussion doomed to evade your memory the next day, mean what you say and remember to listen at least half the time.

   
   

Anywhere but Here

     Nashville found us relaxing with Titans and Tennesee locals alike. Fireside we heard stories about standup stints and advice on solid business investments like parking lots and public storage. Her house opened to us after meeting only the night before. Her friends were friendly and her animals abundant, even the chickens were woken to meet me. I'm not sure why anything happens at the time, why good or bad or the curious blend sweep us up with no explanations. Sometimes like this one, I can see purpose without any clues to validate it. Then my eagerness to look back with thankfulness upon a completed picture beats the desire to control an odd swirl of events intent on pushing me from my comfort zone.

     He believed me when I said he had no idea how hard it was. Settling into a cultural swarm like LA as a young married couple is challenging in its own ways, like crossing the Snake River into a new world dependent only on your wagon's worth, minus maybe the threat of consumption. What they did have was each other and the very real benefit of already finding that somewhere else. So when I told him that nothing happens organically in Tinsel Town he took my word for it. After a few days though we had multiple examples, from backyard bonfires to sweet southern invites to the Waffle House following a long work day.

     I wish I could say her hospitality felt natural but it was so foreign to me I couldn't help but wonder why. In the city where kings and queens are chosen overnight and by merits not listed in fables or sung about on Sundays her behavior would be suspect. Like a well structured script we know each other's intentions by the end of the first act and no good deed goes unpunished. I've enjoyed Midwestern honesty and Southern reception, enough to know she had something else. Her Western roots went where they had to when needy competitors lined up for rejection and the other like-minded humanists were anywhere else engaged in real conversations. I look forward to seeing her again, anywhere but here.

Age Gap

    Dan's instagram took heavy fire that night from a barrage of trolls, still caked in soot after crawling out from beneath their bridges aflame. Provoked apparently, by his confident bliss to be engaged untraditionally to an older woman, they sought to inform him of his folly. Their comments did little more to slow his passion than a child's castle wall would to a tidal wave, and really he wondered how many out there forfeit love at the cost of normalcy. Of course with talent behind the camera, Dan's followers soon out-numbered his friends and along with the hoards will come the lonely cur. Bent on ravishing those close targets so riddled a bull no longer returns the satisfying ring it once did, they fail to see their own hope could exist in the same spot they place their rage.

     Of course she was encouraged in her twenties to follow stability and the cool maturity of a life insurance policy holder. His years nearly doubled hers and for each gray hair of his she had an uncrushed dream to follow. Their compatibility seemed to have more to do with a culture dependent on uneducated mothers than it did with the needs of either partner. Though now she dates in a more accepting climate, as a mere ten years his senior they draw judgemental looks when they dine out. Inattentive servers comment on the sweet gesture of a son to join his mother for dinner. His friends can't take him seriously and place his happiness beyond the gauntlet of derisive humor.

     We don't always know our own loves when we see them, if love is blind then first sight is a fantasy. How then can we judge another by the impossible standards we hope no one will hold up for us? The couple finds themselves in a type of human zoo. Encased in glass and concrete their friends, family and even strangers study them. Perhaps they should listen to the drunken scoffs from behind the glass. It's easy to see uniformity as satisfying and the safety of precedent when that uniformity falls for a younger mate. After all a relationship in isolation can't be healthy and support comes from the outside. Yet if your heart belongs to someone on the same side of the glass, does it matter who is visiting and who is on display?

Dude Looks Like A Lady

     Rife with pitfalls despite one's best intentions, the subject of gender identity is becoming increasingly relevant in and out of the public restroom. It's difficult to tell anymore whether we have a legitimate divide on ethics or if we simply thrive on lambasting those with practical concerns that differ from our own. Optimistically I choose to believe most fall somewhere in the middle, regardless if the most vocal of us insist on drawing lines in sand. Those who have any business in the matter seem to share the same desire at the end of the day, privacy.

     Naturally one of the significant goals on the progressive express is removing the traditional binary categorizations we use to define people. In many ways these distinctions have betrayed our privacy all along, allowing others to prejudicially categorize us and facilitating sexism. Although, how else would someone justifiably take action based on romantic feelings if the sexual orientation of their attractor were a mystery to them? Chris is careful who she allows to get close to her, turning down ill-fitting prospects with haste. Unfortunately she judges by the same criteria used to judge her and may unknowingly reject someone with expectations inline with her own.

     Sexual orientation is an intensely private matter regardless how many casual jokes are dependent on assumptions about one's present company. Relationships based on non-sexual connections like common interests and shared perspectives statistically last longer than those motivated by pregnancy or an open space in the trophy case. How then do we reconcile the two, when sexuality is so closely linked to a general affinity for another person? To be blunt we've never taken kindly to the unprovoked, unsolicited, aggressive action of "whipping it out" and award sex offender status for those moronically brazen enough to do so, but to his/her credit we've all made a decision with ample evidence to support it.
   

Feminist Rulebook

     We shared many cryptic conversations over the course of our work together. Was it insulting when I asked her to dinner before she could ask? Had she been waiting for the right time or completely disinterested? I felt I knew where she stood, a confident and accomplished woman who's contempt for men never seemed to eliminate her desire to be with one. Pitiful at recognizing signals, I was drawn by the common grass envy of wanting what I couldn't have only to find my conflicting feelings were reciprocated. She claimed to know me and her unfavorable comparisons to previous relationships highlighted our inability to see eye to eye.

     Seeking the advice of married men is useless. They find themselves miles from the subtleties of dating and how it's changed since their non-HD wedding videos were the most expensive DVD they'd ever purchased. When they come out with practical applications it can be difficult to sort out which are mysoginist attempts at humor and which are the sordid yet effective means to manipulate the societally-inflicted insecurities many women carry. There are however, plenty of well knotted gentlemen with helpful advice, advice related to maintaining a relationship I've struggled to find a beginning to. When it comes to the magic that led to their marriage though, they seem to have a loss for words. 

     A married woman's advice is not much better unfortunately. If anyone could shed light on the new rules you'd expect a working woman with her husband home buried beneath Cheerios and dryer sheets. Likely she saw what she wanted and took it, leaving my efforts up to chance. She spends the opportunity describing how I can be more like her ideal man, even beyond the qualities of her own husband. This would be helpful in cross-reference with millions of American married women. She encourages me to improve my radar but she'll never understand what it takes to distinguish flirting from trying to get a good tip. We'll see a time where our parents encourage us to do as they did and find love online. Unfortunately by then the rules will have changed and the advisers may have no idea what you're talking about. 

The Perfect Man: Part 2

     A day hike to view Malibu stole the stress of looming budget cuts and downsizing at work. Clean, lightly salted air fills his lungs with every breath as he's careful not to outpace the East coast hiker in tow around familiar curves. She smiles when blue sea breaks the landscape and memories of traffic out of town fade. Their return plans of taco trucks and a chance to grow on each other vanish at the unfamiliar sound of a battery exhausted. Hood aloft and auto club on the line, he hides his disappointment with humor as she recalls the last time she was stranded like this. Unafraid to admit defeat he solves the problem with help and proves upset plans are an opportunity for patience and roof-top sunsets.

     Weeks after their romantic tow truck ride he prepares for a night of dinner and dancing. Teeth brushed and tie bent his easy smile comes arduously. A month spent watching friends pack personals in file boxes left him feeling fortunate but frustrated to adapt to his new normal. The assumption of safety seeing collegues gone and dust since cleared, made today's trial untenable. Determined not to ruin a night anticipated, he forces an irrational positivity she can see through on their walk to the car. A courtesy denial precedes his honest answer as he explains the potential options at his disposal. She asks him to be angry about it. He calmly affirms her reaction to the news but sees his new unemployment as a fresh start.

     Today marks the beginning of his new workout routine. With job hunting hours a mere eight per day he sees an increase in muscle mass and social options. The call came as a surprise after seeing how much energy he had at their Christmas dinner. Losing someone so inspiring and full of life feels like a physical impairment to him. She comes with him to the funeral looking modest but beautiful. It reminds him of his own vitality and the way Uncle Jim would expect him to feel after he was gone. His words are short but reminiscent of their conversations at the lake house in the late hours after everyone else had gone to sleep. His wisdom was unparalleled and his cigars were terrible.

Blessed Beyond Recognition

     Throbbing pain lulled him awake after a weekend long battle with exhaustion. His first drug induced thoughts placed him in a nursing home about five decades too soon before the presence of loved ones tipped him off. They filled in Tyler's patchwork memory and like a scene from a movie he identified with their story's hero in terrifying technicolor. By his physical reaction to the account, mom thought it prudent to wait and allow the doctor to fall prey to the messenger's burden. Before he could arrive however her son became keenly aware that part of his body was untouched by pain. He couldn't feel the low thread count sheets on his feet, the blankets warmth which would normally make him uncomfortable or even his mother's hand resting on his leg.

     It's incredibly difficult to see beyond our own disappointed expectations. Dream career's usurped by cubicle caged temp work or first-sight love unrequited, keep us blinded to the blessings around. Finding the needle in life's stack of arbitrary goals can feel more like busy work than it does a life worth living. We collect obstacles as a testament to our resilience, the greater the challenge, the more justified we feel to pursue. Completion is not the reward, instead the reward exists both as something to be avoided in an effort to preserve our continued pursuit, as well as a thing to guage our next goal by. Unfortunately none of these constructs make us happy. Happiness needs us to recognize that to be crippled from birth is an excuse for disregarding blessings disguised by timing.

     What happened to Tyler could happen to me tomorrow. It's simple to assume our lives may end at any moment. The challenge is to seize life right now, with no regard for the disfiguring perils that come at us when we feel our microwave is properly sealed or the seat belt securely fastened. You are alive in this moment and it's a shame to mistake what limited means we have as anything but extraordinary.

   

   

Smooth Alterator

     Bandaged and sore she regrettably said no again for the third time this month post-op. A thousand dollars sat stuffed into a drawer that will only open once more for Goodwill if she can stomach the idea of contributing second hand underwear. His favorite brew turned Brutus according to an add riddled article claimed he may be in need of her recent hand-me-downs lest he begin selecting a diet option. Apparently autodrafting an LA Fitness holiday rate each month buys nothing but excuses and the "work" his jacked associate ordered, proved useless when faced with an impatient beer drinker.

     From physical to spiritual and every gradient between, a change that is possible is most certainly prompted by the dating market. Women seem inclined to doctor their bodies while men carve car payments from modest wallets. Confronted with consistent failure by following the standards set by Saved by the Bell, we can't help but look to the God-given curses our parents spent years spinning as desireable attributes, for blame. A mis-representative nose or a passionately defended affinity for the arts may land us in bullshit categories only ethics prompt us to defend. But in the dark corner of desperate distancing we pray to be identified as the very thing we seek to change and loved in that very spot.

     So why do some seek a doctorate in dietary trends when their crush turns out vegan? Or still others pursue a masters in mountaineering because John Muir hangs framed above the family fireplace? What makes us think that what we've invested a half-life into can't be worth backing because small people want immediate results? Sure, anyone can become a Seahawks fan overnight or claim to enjoy Halo because apparently video games are cool now, but no one worth loving wants a reflection in a mirror dimly. Who you are now is worth loving and change delays connection, don't be fooled.

Political Pick Up Lines

    Tara is very vocal and settles into the supportive perch of a like-minded environment. As a self-described ultimate player and spin enthusiast she's surprised when friends feel the need to mention Hillary as an introduction is made. She's proud of the fact however and her date is likely to hear arguments related to qualification and experience before the proper method for throwing a frisbee. Not a century previous though, women like her were dependent on a man and by binding extension the title of wife in order for their voice to be heard. Now, the simple fact that I'm writing this on my phone can disguise how little time has actually passed while the world has changed so rapidly.

     Unfortunately rapid change can be devastatingly illusory. Just as the signatory end of slavery in the US sat for an entire century before African Americans in 1964 were finally given the right to continue to be targeted by law enforcement and incarcerated at an egregious rate in contrast with other races. Law is clearly important to civilize an evil landscape, but culture reigns supreme. When we change the rules the losers like to pretend like something happened so nothing changes culturally. Unfortunately most of us can't even know the law well enough to defend ourselves and far too often we're faced with choosing between bankrupting legal fees or plea pushing public defenders.

     In the face of great opposition be encouraged, if only by necessity because discouragement remains the oppressor's Great Wall. When we feel like these complicated laws and the limited means we have to change them fail to support our ideals, politicians urge us toward the polls. We're herded in droves to cast our solicited and often uninformed vote toward a lesser evil and the process serves to mask proper representation. You won't find yourself reflected in the image of presidential candidacy so don't look for it there. Its not because they fill a higher class but because these people work for us, from the bar tender to the second grade teacher to the stay at home mom or dad. Don't refuse to vote because you feel underrepresented, a blank ballot is a vote for the majority. Tara's vote counts for herself and for anyone who's fallen victim to being on the wrong side of culture.
   
   

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Mid-Date Texting

     Just imagine she's wearing mirrored aviators and midnight blue. Her black and white parked alongside you clogging the HOV lane as you both ride the brake below 30. Your breath slows feeling the tug of your shoulder belt and as you recall dad obnoxiously checking each tail light last month before leaving your parent's for a visit. Vibration from the center console has never been easier to ignore knowing she's watching you. Your focus on the road ahead hasn't been this intense since the third attempt at your driver's test when you were sixteen. That's a good thing too because she doesn't want your attention on her; the road is her words and she won't accept a compliment as an excuse for running into the car ahead.

     Many have already forgotten what life was like without smartphones. Something so powerful and useful that's always accessible, demands attention. Priorities become ambiguous when we all can relate to the excuses for checking a text during a conversation or using Google to insert details into it. After all who can enjoy their meal wondering the average weight of a bengal tiger or who won the gold medal for figure skating in the '86 Olympics? We even leave our phones on the dinner table as if to say, I'm listening to you but keeping my options open. It's easy to tuck the world away on a first date. You're both excited and you legitimately have decades of detail to learn about this person, detail that Facebook has filtered from view. What speaks to her isn't how well you merge into traffic the first time but instead what habits dominate your daily commute and how you drive when no one is watching.